Tender Grief & "Goodbye’s"

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The Fruitful Place 'Tender Grief & "Goodbye's"' blog post read aloud by A'Leeyah Ponder uploaded to youtube for optimal accessibility

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Hello Fam,

May this message be one that lands softly on your heart. May you take something away. May you tend to the memories that arise as you read. May you find the courage to recall the beautiful things that have come to an end where you can inhabit and access more beauty in the new beginning you will soon find yourself in. Remember, tenderness is the way…

I don’t think I’ve ever been any good at “good-bye’s”. Whether I’m leaving home, a summer program, or concluding time with the people I love, I always find myself choked up and overcome with emotions about “The End”. It’s funny how the end of a thing often marks the beginning of something else. Being consumed with grief seems to be more convenient than being consumed with joy once we finish a thing.

I am experiencing my final moments of the Hispanic Scholars Program Summer intensive – I’m sad about it too. This program is intended to provide people pursuing theological education (i.e. Master of Divinity, Ph.D. in Religion, Master of Theological Studies, etc.) with an academic and ministerial space to learn more about the Divine, Spirit, and the religious history and experiences of people in the Latiné and Afro-Latinx communities. I spent two weeks at Duke Divinity School immersing myself in literature about the lived experiences of Latiné folk, engaging in multicultural and interreligious worship services, and holding space for people’s stories. I’ve also found myself spending time detangling the web of lies western Kindergarten through12th grade public schools have wrapped around students like me; and this includes, but is not limited to, the miseducation of topics about migration, undocumented people, religion, the transatlantic slave trade, and the U.S. government. There was a lot of terror confronted in this space, yet there were equal amounts of beauty, co-creation with God, and moments of complete and utter awe I experienced.

To say I loved the course, and the academic program would be an understatement; yet, I find myself wrestling with the grief of this end, the grief of entering into my final year of Divinity school, and the joys of returning back home.

Before class ended, my professor asked us to recall a place or space that has helped us to feel a deeper connection to our creativity, helped us think and process, or has simply been a place where we’ve felt free to be restored. My nana’s house in Chicago came to mind immediately. Her kitchen filled with love, canned goods, my favorite cereals, and an assortment of cookies and nuts in glass storage containers. Her pans and how they would hold the pancake batter perfectly in its center came to mind. Memories of my Nana’s nighttime routine resurfaced, and how her bag of rollers were always ritualistically prepared to hold her curls in place with grace. My grandfather’s hot mug of coffee or tea came to mind, and how he would wrap his long tan fingers around the mug and would rest them in-between the handle; and there was always an assortment of mugs to fit the mood and the season we found him in. I recall how sacred the kitchen, living room, bathroom, and bedrooms would be at the crack of dawn, when the light would pour in and fill the house with warmth and God’s Divine essence. I remember… and even though we had to say goodbye to that Chicago home, all of the grief that resurfaces with the memories are accompanied with so much joy. So much joy.

Similar to my Nana’s house, rather my maternal grandparents house, this program was a space where I was able to connect with my creativity deeper, think and process hard things about the world and myself, and get restored – be free to be restored.

As we find ourselves in a constant state of catching strays from U.S. government officials, I.C.E. raids across the United States of America, ministers avoiding accountability, and emissions chemicals eating at the ozone layer, may we recall to our mind places and spaces that restore us. May we create and cultivate brave and sacred spaces where we can ask scary questions, rest, and receive wisdom from our elders. May we find the beauty in the grief we carry. May we be tender with the wounds that feel raw even years after the injury. May we grow to hold one another, and our diverse stories, with intention and care. May we make room for the new beginnings on the way…

May we allow ourselves to grieve, and may we see it as a liberatory practice instead of a sinful one.

This is not goodbye. This is “see you in a couple weeks”! Thank you all for reading, the encouragement, the feedback, the likes, and the comments. Thank you for sharing #TheFruitfulPlace bi-weekly words of encouragement and allowing the motivation to move you towards greater depth, imagination, creativity, and hope. The bi-weekly blog posts feel better on my fingers, my heart, and my soul. Thank you all for embracing this content schedule shift with open hearts and open arms; and my procrastination – I’m still figuring that out too. I am grateful for this space – so grateful; And I am equally grateful for each of you.

I love you. God loves you more.

Be bold, Be YOU, Be loved, and Be gentle with yourself as you find yourself navigating grief in this season and in the seasons to come. May tenderness wash over you like a never-ending spring.

With love and light,

Miss A’Leeyah Ponder