Love, Leadership, and Legacy

Hello Fam,

It’s been a minute! I’m in school nie, so it’s always a lot going on😅. Over the past several months I’ve found myself in therapy consistently, bulldozing through my 11:59pm assignment deadlines, and finding new rhythms as a leader. I got the chance to work with young people in inner city schools, reoriented myself around my understanding of ministry, went to a couple conferences, and found freedom and hope in allowing myself to be loved well.

At the end of my first semester, I told one of the ministers facilitating one of my courses that I was entertaining the idea of taking a year off of school – some would call it a “Gap Year”. I meant well, but Lord knows my intentions mean very little in comparison to the impact of the decisions I make. I would’ve had the leave the youth I was serving, the student organization I served as President, and all of my courses. Wild! Full transparency, I was tired, and anyone who’s felt tired and bogged down by their responsibilities could relate to being “OVER” whatever is stressing them out.

The minister told me to keep the faith, hang in there, and that I would regret not finishing within the three-year timeframe initially assigned to my degree timeline. Life gets like that though; whether I’m in the process of leading in a position I coveted, developing a relationship with someone I hoped for a close connection with, or determining how I should align myself within my family’s legacy, at some point I grow tired and am tempted to give up.

This season of life is teaching me that being gentle and extending compassion towards myself is necessary. I can’t do everything. That is okay. I can’t do many things well without being patient with myself. That is okay. I can be successful, but if the success I’m actively pursuing requires me to be burnt out, I need to BE OWT by finding something safer and more life-giving to do. I want to leave a lasting mark on this world, but beyond leaving a mark on the world, I want to leave a lasting mark on my community. My legacy will mean nothing if it is fueled by shame, sleepless nights, guilt, discontentment, and extensive periods of burn out. Our countries’ culture of capitalism endorses self-neglect, which is a form of self-hate.

I am more than what I can produce.

You are more than what you have produced or can produce.You are more than what you can do for others.You are more than every expectation you haven’t been able to meet.

AND

 God loves you as you are.

It wasn’t until I found myself at my wits end that I realized that I was putting pressure on myself that God was not. How crazy is that!? Not crazy at all, because I often found myself in a perpetual state of self-harm through self-neglect. I had to realize a rest day was not a reward, rather it was a requirement. I had to realize that sharing when my feelings were hurt with those who hurt my feelings was not being over-dramatic, rather it was necessary for me to continue building healthy and loving relationships. I had to learn that “no” is a complete sentence, and that someone who loves and cares for me will understand when I don’t have the capacity to show up for them. I had to really realize the love I extend to others starts with the love I cultivate within me for me. I had to realize…

If anything, I shared resonated, I pray you find bliss in the balance. I pray you find the courage to choose your health, care, and well-being in the face of capitalism’ rat race; or in the face of guilt-ridden relationships. And if you did not resonate with this message, I want to affirm the truth that you too are valuable; and not only because of what you do for others, but because of the ways you choose to take good quality care of yourself. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not endorsing bonified selfishness; yet I would like to sit in the reality that you deserve to be loved without “good and hard work” being the terms by which you are able to tap into and access agape love.

I’m still finding my way, as many of us are. I’ve come to grips with the fact that life is a never-ending script I am not the Director, Producer, nor Screenwriter for; and that too is okay. God is a God of legacy, leadership, and love. I believe God wants a beautiful legacy, leadership-oriented lifestyle, and agape love for each of us.

May the Lord exceed your expectations. May the legacy you seek to build and cultivate be one that thrives in environments where love, light, hope, kindness, gentleness, joy and restoration reside. May the love you both receive and cultivate be love that has your best interest at heart, love that says “no” when you’re tired, love that holds space for all of you including your dreams and goals. May the leadership you practice be a testament of the Lord’s leadership in your life, the truth of tenderness, and the evidence of guidance fueled by love being a ‘lamp unto your feet and a light unto your path’ (Psalm 119:105*)

Be Well, Be Loved, Be YOU

I love you. Jesus loves you most!

Be encouraged my sweet sibling in the faith, be encouraged,

Miss A’Leeyah Ponder