Living & Leading Sick

Hello Family,

“You’re okay A’Leeyah. You are safe. Breathe,” I say to myself as a crushing pain fills my chest, heartbeat increases, and everything around me gets fuzzy. This is a panic attack.

The anxiety in my body has heightened over the past couple months. The past couple weeks have been filled with ER visits and doctors’ appointments as we try to pinpoint what is going on inside of my body. I’ve slowly but surely opened up about this to a few friends, but the weight of the lack of wellness has been too troubling to share consistently.

 I prayed the craziest prayer the other day… “Lord, why am I sick when I finally want to live?”

After dealing with suicidal ideation for years, living on the other side of the storm cloud most refer to as depression is a time of sheer bliss and gratitude (most of the time). I’ve had a hard time being grateful lately. My mind is focused on my health and my ability to be well. So, I finally took to the scriptures, after solely trying medication and other care methods. I wondered how to bring this to you all in a theological way, so here I go...

In John 5 Jesus is found healing a disabled man. The scriptures read,

“5 After this there was a feast of the Jews, and Jesus went up to Jerusalem. 2 Now there is in Jerusalem by the Sheep Gate a pool, which is called in Hebrew, Bethesda, having five porches. 3 In these lay a great multitude of sick people, blind, lame, paralyzed, waiting for the moving of the water. 4 For an angel went down at a certain time into the pool and stirred up the water; then whoever stepped in first, after the stirring of the water, was made well of whatever disease he had. 5 Now a certain man was there who had an infirmity thirty-eight years. 6 When Jesus saw him lying there, and knew that he already had been in that condition a long time, He said to him, “Do you want to be made well?” (NKJV)

This translation, New King James Version, and King James Version, in particular brings to mind “Wade in the Water” the southern church hymnal – because we wade with an expectation that God is going to trouble the water. We wade with the belief that the troubling will lead to our deliverance and in turn we will be made well.

I’m going to refrain from empathizing with the disabled man. I don’t know how it feels to be unwell for 38 years, in waiting for a miracle, and beat to the healing you so deeply crave by none other than his peers. However, I sit with the question of “Do you want to be made well?” as I consider continuing to try different anxiety medications to calm my central nervous system down.  I sit with the question of “Do you want to be made well?” as I think about classes starting soon. I sit with the question of “Do you want to be made well?” after years of finding comfort in having a name for the influx of anxious jitters and overthinking I've lived with for my entire young adult life.

For you, it may not be anxiety, but we all carry something. We have trauma, mental and physical conditions, and challenging circumstances that force us to question “wellness”.

The disabled man responded to Jesus in verse 7 with his “why” – instead of his whether. He told Jesus why he hadn’t got the chance to obtain wellness at this point in his life. My humanity says that I too can’t answer that question without pouring out my concerns and fears first. What if that’s just as grandiose as him being commanded by Jesus to “take up your mat and walk”(John 5:8)?

As a Black woman, suffering in silence is easier than being loud about the challenges I’m facing. I don’t want to complain. I don’t want to be ungrateful. I don’t want to cause problems for other believers by being honest about how my faith hasn't completely dismantled my fear. Yet, if we “overcome by the power of our testimony” (Revelations 12:11), then I should be as loud about my challenges as I am about my triumphs and accomplishments. I’d argue that the disabled man was made well by Jesus, yet he overcame his circumstances by testifying.

I’m scared as hell right now. I’m grateful my heart health is good. I’m grateful that my thyroid is acting as God intended it to. Yet, wellness has never felt so far away.

I was talking to a homegirl the other day and told her, “I’m like ‘Lord how am I supposed to lead if I’m sick?’” – “That’s real”, she said. That’s when it clicked. It was never about acting like everything was okay. It was never about acting like everything in my life is perfect and copasetic. No. The human condition doesn’t always lend us the delight of being whole. We get sick, we get hurt, we get mishandled, we get lied to, and we even hurt others in the process of seeking wellness.

I don’t know if I’ll feel better in the next few hours, months, or years; but I believe that sharing where I am is me taking one step towards wellness.

Will you take a step with me?

With Love,

Miss Ponder

#BeWell #TheFruitfulPlace #ShareTheFruit #Encouragementforthesoul

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Citation:

New King James Version (NKJV)

Scripture taken from the New King James Version®. Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson. Used by permission. All rights reserved.