Hello Family,
This week marks my first week of my second year of divinity school. LORD HAMMMERCY!
I’m still shocked I’m here. I woke up Wednesday, our first day of school, missing my family, missing my Georgia home, and missing familiar. I struggled to get out of the bed without crying… so I laid there, teary eyed, and wrote a poem.
8-21-2024 – 6:32 A.M. – first day of school (year 2)
If I listen close, I can hear my mom’s sliding door. She’s coming from the back room where she ironed her outfit for the day and likely mine too.
I can hear her footsteps, on hard wood then vinyl. The sound of her gracefully moving through the house, stirring the spirit with hymns and gospel songs. I feel the spirit too.
If I listen closely, I can hear her walk past my bedroom. I know she’s coming to wake me soon, but she knows her child needs a few more minutes before she starts getting ready for the first day of school.
I’m a few years away from grown, or too many years distant from childhood, but the sound is the same every year.
“Good morning mommy’s pumpkin, good morning mommy’s boo. Good morning mommy’s pumpkin. Good morning, I love YOU!!”
These are the sounds of my human alarm clock. Gleefully and still so gracefully using God’s sounds to wake me up.
I smile, laugh hard because I know after the song ends, she jumps in my bed to bring me into a warm embrace.
This is the first day of school.
This is ritual. Standing in the middle of my bedroom floor in our Austell, Georgia home nervous about a new school or the same one.
Nervous about new classmates or the same ones.
Nervous about new teachers and the familiar ones because every first comes with a new level of new that you may not have foresight for even when it’s familiar.
I can hear my mom’s sliding door, but when I open my eyes and listen close its construction.
It’s Nashville. It’s the buildings being built, cranes swinging through the air, or people pressing their way to work. There’s no vinyl holding my mother’s footprints, preparing to hold mine. There is no laminate flooring waiting for her heals to click through the dining room or my socks to slide across it in a frenzy.
There is only carpet. There is only me. There is only my imagination. There is only spirit. There is only my deep love for the first day, juxtaposed with my grief of change that’s lent me another first day without my family.
May this not be forever. May this only be for now.
Asé
Nobody tells you you can be good and grown and still miss everything that comes with being back home. The good, the bad, and the indifferent of the past can feel more comforting than the present sometimes.
Nobody tells you that much of our discontentment with change is less about the new and more about the sentiments we carry about the “old”.
As I embrace this next new year, new roles, and new ways of moving through the world with tension, I am reminded that the change we experience on earth doesn’t change our eternal God.
I am reminded that God is THE SAME yesterday, today, and forever more as said in Hebrews 13:8. I am reminded that God’s love is also eternal and never changing; therefore, NOTHING can separate us from God’s love as said in Romans 8:31-39. I am reminded that God is with us, the people of God, as said in Deuteronomy 31:8. Lastly, I am reminded of Psalm 23:4 that reads,
“Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I fear no evil; for you are with me; your rod and your staff— they comfort me.” (NRSVA)
I didn’t know if I would be able to make it through my first day let alone my first week. Thank God I did though. I’m trying to keep in mind that change is rarely ever comfortable. Change is rarely ever exciting. Change is rarely ever filled with bliss and joy. Yet, the Lord is able to bring comfort, joy, excitement, and even bliss to the “new” in our lives or seasons. I am still dealing with uncertainty regarding my health, which is still super scary. I am still learning what trusting God with my fear of change and the unknown looks like. I am also STILLLLL learning how to embrace the growth that often comes with the change of seasons in our lives.
I want to leave you with a couple questions to Ponder,
How can I be more open to change? And how can I invite God into the “new” that I am experiencing or expecting in my life?
Feel free to drop your answer in the comments once you’ve sat with the questions. I’d love to hear where you all are and how change is showing up in your lives. 💜
I love you. Jesus loves you most.
Be fruitful. Be courageous. Be authentically you.
With love,
Miss Ponder
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Citations:
New Revised Standard Version Bible: Anglicised Edition, copyright © 1989, 1995 the Division of Christian Education of the National Council of the Churches of Christ in the United States America. Used by permission. All rights reserved.
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