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  • Writer's pictureA'Leeyah Ponder

FAKING IT: Taking off the mask

Hello Family,

I struggle to be honest about how I'm feeling, what I'm dealing with and my mental health. I share enough details about my life and my experiences where I can appear to be transparent, while in many ways I'm still hiding. Since January I've learned that I hide from the world, those close to me and from myself.

I fear if people know me fully that they'll use it against me. I've been burnt with less information available to people, and it seems sharing my full self would be a lost cause.

I've spent most of my life faking it. I adapt to whatever environment I'm in even if the adaptive behavioral modifications require me to abandon parts of myself. Social media is worse... I'm rarely ever sharing updates about my mental health care needs, job concerns, friendships ending or anything bad. I believed social media was meant for highlights.

I'm slowly beginning to forget who I am due to all of the time I've spent evolving and adapting to fit into boxes for others around me.

What do I like to do? 
What values do I have? 
What's important to me? 
What do I care about?

I hide and shy away from sharing #FruitfulFridays and other Black Ponder Puffs content consistently because I can't fake it here. BPP was birthed in a time where I wanted a space to be authentic, to share love and light in darkness, to show up as my FULL SELF. I can't fake it with y'all... or at least I try not to.

The messages are bound to evolve as I do.

Hopefully, you'll stay along for the journey and grow alongside me.

I can't encourage you all to "CHOOSE YOU" here and put everyone before me and my needs in my personal life. I can't tell you that "ALL WILL BE WELL" because depending on the situation it could get better but it could ALSO get worse.

I am trying to find my voice again. I am trying to find my laugh again. I am trying to find my smile, high self-esteem, intention and most of all hope. I will do my best to share the journey, but know that it takes everything in me to show up and I would never want to show up at 25% nor 50%.

If you've spent days, weeks, months or even years FAKING IT I hope you find the courage to rediscover yourself. People gravitate towards authenticity, so showing up as your full TRUE AUTHENTIC self will only open up more opportunities for you to be surrounded by more authentic people.

TID BIT***ALSO, if you're holding your tongue or holding hurt in to keep the peace... DON'T. Why suffer with hell on the inside of you for the betterment of peace in your external environment? Speak up and speak out where you can be free. When freedom comes peace will accompany it both internally and in your external space. ***[[Honestly, I'm still learning how to do this one.]]


I love you. Jesus loves you MOST.

Hang in there. Keep your head up, and if you can’t that’s okay too.

Xoxo Miss Ponder

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